Today I participated in one of many, many, many Women's Marches occurring across the United States and across the world. The march I attended was in a much smaller city. But I was very pleased to see an attendance estimated between 95-100 people (and overjoyed to see the estimated 2.9 million people nationally). The atmosphere was peaceful and open. Before marching and after marching, attendees stood along the sidewalk outside of the County Courthouse, holding their signs towards the cars driving past. There were many honks of support, peace-signs, friendly waves and nods. It was encouraging.
About 80% of what I observed from cars and bystanders was positive and supportive. To be expected, however, there were a few pro-trump calls. This did not surprise, or particularly phase me. One did incident did.
"Be nice, be nice, be nice" one woman chided in warning from a passing car. She sat in the passenger seat, window rolled down and in the nearest lane to us as the car slowed ever-so-much while driving past. She ended with something along the lines of "trump" or "trump won", or other such intone of his name. She did not shout, but it was clear she wanted it to be heard. The meaning was clear too.
Although this might seem harmless enough, I'd like to talk about it. I think it is very important to understand, and speaks to a dangerous attitude that has been developing. Niceness. Maybe more so than foul or degrading language might, this woman insulted me with such a call.
Her words also disturbed me, because when I looked around me, I was surrounded by people holding signs calling for love, respect, solidarity, equality. Literally. Enthusiastic, friendly faces of all ages. Little kids, adults, elderly. It disturbed me, because I was surrounded by people who were filled with such love and concern for our country, who came out on a cold, rainy PNW winter Saturday to join the many like-minded individuals across the world participating in similar marches and to insure that presence was heard locally as well. It disturbed me, because when I looked around me, I was surrounded by people wearing kind smiles and waving enthusiastically in defense of literal human rights. I was disturbed, because why should someone see such a peaceful crowd with such a clear message and feel the need to warn us: be nice. Why imply that we are not being nice?
I know why, but I'll get to that.
I thought a lot about why this incident stuck with me. It is more than it seems on the surface, and is not as simple as this woman's failure to recognize the good and the love we all brought with us because of political differences. (Though that, too, baffles me)
Rather, it is very much an insult. Being "nice" is not an aspiration or a compliment. I do not want to be told to "be nice." I am not a toddler fighting over toys. For most people, being chided to "be nice" is patronizing. I know very well how to be nice, thank you very much. Besides which, you will know when I am not nice.
It strikes me, because on a deeper level, being "nice" means being complacent. It means not speaking up. It means not making waves. I do not think anyone should be "nice", unless it is possibly in the situation of a playground disagreement, and sometimes not even then. Otherwise, telling someone to be "nice" -- let alone a peacefully assembled group of well-informed individuals concerned about the status of human rights and well-aware that there is much at stake -- is demeaning. I'm relatively certain the women who said this knew that. I'm also relatively certain that she meant it, indeed, as a pointed warning.
Here's why.
As a Minnesotan, I can tell you right now, I am very familiar with the word "nice." I am very familiar with its many meanings. In fact, there is a well-known saying: "Minnesota Nice." In that (and my experience as a woman), the discourse of nice runs in my blood. Sometimes, "nice" refers to a general culture of helpfulness and friendliness that many Minnesotans (and broadly, though not exclusively, mid-westerners) espouse. You see someone with a flat tire? You help them out. Someone drops a wallet? You return it to them. No brainer! That is all very good. Sometimes such ubiquitous behaviors surprise people not from the mid-west or not from a similarly-minded environment. The good deeds are good indeed. I appreciate an environment that looks out for one another. But the deeds may, sometimes, be fake. That is, while sometimes these deeds are done very genuinely, other times the friendliness is only skin deep. Hence, they are "nice."
However, what is more problematic is that, nice also means passive aggression. It means not making a scene. It means a culture of not speaking out and not speaking up, even when something is upsetting or frustrating, right or wrong. It means swallowing your words with a smile, right or wrong. Oftentimes, it means harboring that upset or frustration. It can also mean ingenuity. This is often carried out in order to not upset the situation and to not make things uncomfortable.*
It can be troubling or damaging, both to the person forced to swallow their experience in order to not "disturb the peace" or not be "unpleasant", but also to the other party, who is not informed of their actions, not informed of their misstep, and may not realize that they have possibly done something wrong. They may go on with their day or their life and never know that they offended someone, or hurt someone, or did something unacceptable. But there you are, let's get along, and we'll not mention it. Every once and a while, it comes back to bite both parties, though not always equally. And such a culture does not, usually, resolve a situation when someone is "nice" out of obligation or to lessen discomfort or out of pressure to avoid problem. It leaves issues to fester, and no one learns, and things don't really change.
Given the current political situation in the United States, now is not the time for being nice.
Now is a time to be kind.
There is a difference. What you really mean -- when you act out of compassion, generosity, empathy, and respectfulness, for example -- is kindness. To be kind is to speak and act from ones heart. Kindness requires love, not obligation. It lacks the demeaning, trivializing, suppressive, simplistic, infantilizing connotations of being "nice." It might be "nice" to keep quiet in the face of injustice or wrongs -- after all, to speak up often causes discomfort and may cause a "scene". It is not, however, kind. In many cases, it is very unkind.
In fact, I feel strongly that it is impossible to consider yourself to be kind, while also denying equal rights or ignoring human rights crises.
On top of that, just to be very clear, nice has never really been a compliment or a goal to strive towards, not even since the word was first uttered hundreds of years ago. Although the original patronizing meaning still peeks through now and again, most people seem to forget. It is worth reminding, because, to me, the true usage remains unchanged from its origin. It is important to remember such word origins. Outlined etymologically, "nice" literally comes from the 13th century meaning of "foolish, stupid, or senseless" and from 12th century Old French for "careless, clumsy, weak, poor, needy, simple, stupid, silly, foolish". This, in turn, comes from the latin "nescius" for ignorant/unware (ne- meaning "not" and scire meaning "to know", so, "not-knowing). Eventually, in the late 1700s, the word adopted the meanings agreeable/delightful, and then only in the early 1800s was it ever used as "kind, thoughtful." The original meaning is striking. It is not at all the same as being kind. To conflate the two, as has happened little by little since the 1800s, has always been dangerous.
I do not want to be foolish, stupid, simple, or unknowing in this time. I do not want to be agreeable and delightful in this time. But I do want to be kind. That, I think, is among the most vital qualities of ones character. And do not be fooled, it is not the same as nice.
Indeed, its origin would teach us too. Kind, very unlike nice, comes from the Old English word "cynde" meaning "natural, native, innate" and, as described etymologically, "with the feeling of relatives for each other." This comes from the Proto-Germanic "kundi-" (meaning natural/native) and "kunjam" (related to the similar modern word kin) and meaning family. That is very striking.
That is a very big difference. So, to be nice and to be kind are not the same thing. To me, I should always wish to be kind. Ask me to be kind, and I shall do so.
But, that is not what was asked by this woman, or in fact by most trump supporters. And I highly doubt this woman was intentionally waxing Shakespearean in the linguistics of her patronizing. No, her intention is clearer.
When this person chided a crowd of peacefully assembled people to be nice, she meant for us to be quiet. Don't be disruptive. Remember to stay in your place, now! Be agreeable! It meant "you should not be objecting". Be careful. It meant do not speak too loudly or be unruly. Otherwise, you will be in trouble. It implies that we are, or might become, a problem and we should be cautious and submit. That we should mind our behavior. It is telling us not to use our voice, trying to shame and cow.
In these ways, telling someone to be nice can be meant as a threat. It is not simply dismissive and demeaning and patronizing. It implies that you are the disruptive one, because you are not being "nice". And if you were not being "nice", it is easy to place blame. Now, now, why did you have to go and make things unpleasant and uncomfortable and disruptive? It is meant to make you feel shamed or embarrassed, and to get back into line. The child who is told to "be nice!" often recognizes that this is not just a request. It implies 1) that the child is not being nice and 2) that there will be further reprimand if the chide is not followed. In the case of one adult to another, it is more of a mind-game and power dynamic, making one question themselves and quiet down in favor of order.
So, I come back to this. That anyone freely wishes to defend such a man is depressing enough. Shouts of support for trump anger and confuse me at a visceral level. Yet, in all of that, calling me names is one thing. Deriding or demeaning me is one thing. I kind of expect that sort of thing in a scenario of apparent mutual disgust, where part of the populace hates or doesn't care much about the existence of those I love. But getting behind a man like trump, who very clearly disrespects my rights and existence along with so many others, and then telling me to be nice in my response? That pisses me the hell off.
This tendency of trump-supporters to expect agreeableness or niceness, really, really, really gets me. If you are going to wear bigotry on your sleeve, or hide it in your pocket, or fail to object when it is woven into the cloth that you passively don because maybe the article still serves your purpose, that is one thing. That is bad. But you made a choice. And that's that and here we are. Your choice and values are apparent, and our positions towards each other apparent. So to dare to go so far as to literally expect and demand no resistance against what you've chosen? That I be nice? No resistance against the danger you've put so many people in? Nah. That's disgusting, and you know it, but you're trying to get away with it. It's overwhelmingly hypocritical, and overwhelmingly selfish and just too convenient, especially given the behaviors of the right-wing over the last 8 years.
If I told someone that I am ok jeopardizing their life because of the color of their skin, who they love, where they come from, what language they speak, the religion they practice, their gender, or their sex, I would not also have the lowliness to ask that person to lay down as I walk over them.
Besides that, between the two of us, given your love that only goes so far, your helpfulness that ends when it comes to safety and equality, your welcoming demeanor that cannot go to the lengths of respecting all, oh yes, between the two of us you, trump-supporter, are far more nice than I. (And in fact, I know a lot of nice people. What I need, what the world needs, what our country needs, are kind people.)
What the world needs are people who love and respect and care for other people of all skin tones, of all gender and sexual identities, of all religions, of all abilities. Who love and respect the existence and integrity and dignity of all people not by "accepting", or "tolerating", or "ignoring". But who helps and respects all people innately, with the feelings of relatives for each other.
And for the record, white people, men, Christians, rich people, straight people, empowered groups etc... you have not been doing this equally. For trump-supporters, you may be resistant to hearing this. But I need you to listen. I need you to look beyond your own exclusive experiences. The world, this country, is more vast than what you alone have experienced. Many people of oppressed or marginalized groups have continued to be exceedingly kind to you even as you continue to hurt, oppress, take advantage of, insult, ignore, or trivialize their lives and experiences. To be kind means listening when black communities and Native communities say that they are being discriminated against. This means, when a police officer shoots an unarmed black man, that you don't immediately assume he deserved it. Listening. This means standing up and demanding that everyone have equal rights and safety, and not blindly following your own narrative. When a person is raped, you don't immediately assume it was their fault or that they are lying. These are all basic kindnesses that so many in positions of privilege (yes, especially white people, and men, and white men) have pervasively neglected.
I can only speak as a woman, but, my own experience is that it is exceedingly hard to maintain kindness towards men, for example, who continue to dismiss the pain I feel when I am called lesser or when control of my own body is debated. Men who do this or hold such a position, and yet treat me nicely. I do not feel quickly compelled to reciprocate with kindness, nor, perhaps, should I. Despite that, the vast majority of women including myself continue to treat other men with exceptional kindness even as a startling number of men continue to react with violence towards the simple declination of a date. No, it's not all men. But yes, it's a lot of men. Likewise, many people of color continue to be kind towards white people, despite hundreds of years of ongoing history wherein white people have enslaved, raped, or murdered people just like them, for the color of their skin or origin. Muslim communities continue to be loving towards their fellow Americans, despite being constantly scapegoated and threatened. So many LGBTQ+ individuals practice incredible forgiveness towards people close to them, who would call their lives a sin. That all takes exceptional grace and kindness on behalf of those who are being oppressed or endangered. And it is not obligated. I know I, personally, understand if someone has been hurt so continually and so deeply that to be kind to those who hurt them, even after a full understanding of the one who hurt them, that they can no longer risk kindness.
Every so often, the wound is too deep. For a lot of people on the national level, the election cut especially deep, even if it was not necessarily surprising. It meant that a significant portion of the country (especially white men and women) was willing to overlook another very significant portion of the country's very literal fear for their lives. To me, it was fellow Americans literally stamping their purposeful or passive approval on sexism, racism, xenophobia, classism, etc. If you're a trump-supporter, maybe you think that's not why you voted as you did. But the thing is, it is impossible to disentangle those repeated negative words and actions and intentions expressed by your party from your desire for jobs. It is not that simple. It is a package deal.
So, tell me to be nice? That is not how this works.
You damn well better expect resistance. You sure as hell do not have any place telling others to be nice. Or trying to convince us that we need to correct our peaceful behavior. Or dropping such an insidious threat. Niceness has no place here, ma'am. Not when you place the stakes this high. I am sick of niceness. I am sick of people like you, who would betray others who are unlike yourself, but would stop to help change someone's tire in a pinch. I am being kind to your sorry self, and that is all the more you damn well deserve if you endanger my life and the lives of others. You are not going to shame me into being nice. You are not going to make me believe, even for one moment, that I should be ashamed for speaking up against hate. And it is disturbing that you think the practice of respectful free speech, the full embrace of love, and the rejection of hate, is not being damn well nice enough already. It is disturbing that you think you can start this, and ask that I go quietly. No ma'am, resistance means resistance, and that is what you get when you align yourself, passionately or passively, with hate. That was always quite clear.
Still, myself and many others strive continually to embrace kindness. Kindness, in that we commit ourselves to continually learning, to empathy, to listening, to love. And as such, we are concerned. We are outraged. At this moment, it is you who has failed to do likewise. I may not be perfect, but goddamn if I won't fight for human rights instead of ever trading in the lives of my fellow citizens for jobs (much less jobs promised by a millionaire).
So, I know why she said it. And I know why it insults me. Be nice! Or else, I suppose!
But here's my guiding principle, especially in times like these: Don't be nice. Be kind.
Be open-hearted. Be outspoken. Be informed. Be respectful. Be rational. Be dedicated. Be brave. Be compassionate. Be enduring.
But don't be nice.
_________
Footnote:
* In a somewhat similar though not identical way, women and many individuals of other oppressed or marginalized groups (people of color, in particular) are often strongly pressured to swallow discomfort, hurt, frustration, or anger because they will be labeled a problem or shamed otherwise. Not out of choice or something as trivial as "Minnesota Nice", but out of a very real sense of self-protection. In those cases, being "nice" is sometimes necessary for safety.
About 80% of what I observed from cars and bystanders was positive and supportive. To be expected, however, there were a few pro-trump calls. This did not surprise, or particularly phase me. One did incident did.
"Be nice, be nice, be nice" one woman chided in warning from a passing car. She sat in the passenger seat, window rolled down and in the nearest lane to us as the car slowed ever-so-much while driving past. She ended with something along the lines of "trump" or "trump won", or other such intone of his name. She did not shout, but it was clear she wanted it to be heard. The meaning was clear too.
Although this might seem harmless enough, I'd like to talk about it. I think it is very important to understand, and speaks to a dangerous attitude that has been developing. Niceness. Maybe more so than foul or degrading language might, this woman insulted me with such a call.
Her words also disturbed me, because when I looked around me, I was surrounded by people holding signs calling for love, respect, solidarity, equality. Literally. Enthusiastic, friendly faces of all ages. Little kids, adults, elderly. It disturbed me, because I was surrounded by people who were filled with such love and concern for our country, who came out on a cold, rainy PNW winter Saturday to join the many like-minded individuals across the world participating in similar marches and to insure that presence was heard locally as well. It disturbed me, because when I looked around me, I was surrounded by people wearing kind smiles and waving enthusiastically in defense of literal human rights. I was disturbed, because why should someone see such a peaceful crowd with such a clear message and feel the need to warn us: be nice. Why imply that we are not being nice?
I know why, but I'll get to that.
I thought a lot about why this incident stuck with me. It is more than it seems on the surface, and is not as simple as this woman's failure to recognize the good and the love we all brought with us because of political differences. (Though that, too, baffles me)
Rather, it is very much an insult. Being "nice" is not an aspiration or a compliment. I do not want to be told to "be nice." I am not a toddler fighting over toys. For most people, being chided to "be nice" is patronizing. I know very well how to be nice, thank you very much. Besides which, you will know when I am not nice.
It strikes me, because on a deeper level, being "nice" means being complacent. It means not speaking up. It means not making waves. I do not think anyone should be "nice", unless it is possibly in the situation of a playground disagreement, and sometimes not even then. Otherwise, telling someone to be "nice" -- let alone a peacefully assembled group of well-informed individuals concerned about the status of human rights and well-aware that there is much at stake -- is demeaning. I'm relatively certain the women who said this knew that. I'm also relatively certain that she meant it, indeed, as a pointed warning.
Here's why.
As a Minnesotan, I can tell you right now, I am very familiar with the word "nice." I am very familiar with its many meanings. In fact, there is a well-known saying: "Minnesota Nice." In that (and my experience as a woman), the discourse of nice runs in my blood. Sometimes, "nice" refers to a general culture of helpfulness and friendliness that many Minnesotans (and broadly, though not exclusively, mid-westerners) espouse. You see someone with a flat tire? You help them out. Someone drops a wallet? You return it to them. No brainer! That is all very good. Sometimes such ubiquitous behaviors surprise people not from the mid-west or not from a similarly-minded environment. The good deeds are good indeed. I appreciate an environment that looks out for one another. But the deeds may, sometimes, be fake. That is, while sometimes these deeds are done very genuinely, other times the friendliness is only skin deep. Hence, they are "nice."
However, what is more problematic is that, nice also means passive aggression. It means not making a scene. It means a culture of not speaking out and not speaking up, even when something is upsetting or frustrating, right or wrong. It means swallowing your words with a smile, right or wrong. Oftentimes, it means harboring that upset or frustration. It can also mean ingenuity. This is often carried out in order to not upset the situation and to not make things uncomfortable.*
It can be troubling or damaging, both to the person forced to swallow their experience in order to not "disturb the peace" or not be "unpleasant", but also to the other party, who is not informed of their actions, not informed of their misstep, and may not realize that they have possibly done something wrong. They may go on with their day or their life and never know that they offended someone, or hurt someone, or did something unacceptable. But there you are, let's get along, and we'll not mention it. Every once and a while, it comes back to bite both parties, though not always equally. And such a culture does not, usually, resolve a situation when someone is "nice" out of obligation or to lessen discomfort or out of pressure to avoid problem. It leaves issues to fester, and no one learns, and things don't really change.
Given the current political situation in the United States, now is not the time for being nice.
Now is a time to be kind.
There is a difference. What you really mean -- when you act out of compassion, generosity, empathy, and respectfulness, for example -- is kindness. To be kind is to speak and act from ones heart. Kindness requires love, not obligation. It lacks the demeaning, trivializing, suppressive, simplistic, infantilizing connotations of being "nice." It might be "nice" to keep quiet in the face of injustice or wrongs -- after all, to speak up often causes discomfort and may cause a "scene". It is not, however, kind. In many cases, it is very unkind.
In fact, I feel strongly that it is impossible to consider yourself to be kind, while also denying equal rights or ignoring human rights crises.
On top of that, just to be very clear, nice has never really been a compliment or a goal to strive towards, not even since the word was first uttered hundreds of years ago. Although the original patronizing meaning still peeks through now and again, most people seem to forget. It is worth reminding, because, to me, the true usage remains unchanged from its origin. It is important to remember such word origins. Outlined etymologically, "nice" literally comes from the 13th century meaning of "foolish, stupid, or senseless" and from 12th century Old French for "careless, clumsy, weak, poor, needy, simple, stupid, silly, foolish". This, in turn, comes from the latin "nescius" for ignorant/unware (ne- meaning "not" and scire meaning "to know", so, "not-knowing). Eventually, in the late 1700s, the word adopted the meanings agreeable/delightful, and then only in the early 1800s was it ever used as "kind, thoughtful." The original meaning is striking. It is not at all the same as being kind. To conflate the two, as has happened little by little since the 1800s, has always been dangerous.
I do not want to be foolish, stupid, simple, or unknowing in this time. I do not want to be agreeable and delightful in this time. But I do want to be kind. That, I think, is among the most vital qualities of ones character. And do not be fooled, it is not the same as nice.
Indeed, its origin would teach us too. Kind, very unlike nice, comes from the Old English word "cynde" meaning "natural, native, innate" and, as described etymologically, "with the feeling of relatives for each other." This comes from the Proto-Germanic "kundi-" (meaning natural/native) and "kunjam" (related to the similar modern word kin) and meaning family. That is very striking.
That is a very big difference. So, to be nice and to be kind are not the same thing. To me, I should always wish to be kind. Ask me to be kind, and I shall do so.
But, that is not what was asked by this woman, or in fact by most trump supporters. And I highly doubt this woman was intentionally waxing Shakespearean in the linguistics of her patronizing. No, her intention is clearer.
When this person chided a crowd of peacefully assembled people to be nice, she meant for us to be quiet. Don't be disruptive. Remember to stay in your place, now! Be agreeable! It meant "you should not be objecting". Be careful. It meant do not speak too loudly or be unruly. Otherwise, you will be in trouble. It implies that we are, or might become, a problem and we should be cautious and submit. That we should mind our behavior. It is telling us not to use our voice, trying to shame and cow.
In these ways, telling someone to be nice can be meant as a threat. It is not simply dismissive and demeaning and patronizing. It implies that you are the disruptive one, because you are not being "nice". And if you were not being "nice", it is easy to place blame. Now, now, why did you have to go and make things unpleasant and uncomfortable and disruptive? It is meant to make you feel shamed or embarrassed, and to get back into line. The child who is told to "be nice!" often recognizes that this is not just a request. It implies 1) that the child is not being nice and 2) that there will be further reprimand if the chide is not followed. In the case of one adult to another, it is more of a mind-game and power dynamic, making one question themselves and quiet down in favor of order.
So, I come back to this. That anyone freely wishes to defend such a man is depressing enough. Shouts of support for trump anger and confuse me at a visceral level. Yet, in all of that, calling me names is one thing. Deriding or demeaning me is one thing. I kind of expect that sort of thing in a scenario of apparent mutual disgust, where part of the populace hates or doesn't care much about the existence of those I love. But getting behind a man like trump, who very clearly disrespects my rights and existence along with so many others, and then telling me to be nice in my response? That pisses me the hell off.
This tendency of trump-supporters to expect agreeableness or niceness, really, really, really gets me. If you are going to wear bigotry on your sleeve, or hide it in your pocket, or fail to object when it is woven into the cloth that you passively don because maybe the article still serves your purpose, that is one thing. That is bad. But you made a choice. And that's that and here we are. Your choice and values are apparent, and our positions towards each other apparent. So to dare to go so far as to literally expect and demand no resistance against what you've chosen? That I be nice? No resistance against the danger you've put so many people in? Nah. That's disgusting, and you know it, but you're trying to get away with it. It's overwhelmingly hypocritical, and overwhelmingly selfish and just too convenient, especially given the behaviors of the right-wing over the last 8 years.
If I told someone that I am ok jeopardizing their life because of the color of their skin, who they love, where they come from, what language they speak, the religion they practice, their gender, or their sex, I would not also have the lowliness to ask that person to lay down as I walk over them.
Besides that, between the two of us, given your love that only goes so far, your helpfulness that ends when it comes to safety and equality, your welcoming demeanor that cannot go to the lengths of respecting all, oh yes, between the two of us you, trump-supporter, are far more nice than I. (And in fact, I know a lot of nice people. What I need, what the world needs, what our country needs, are kind people.)
What the world needs are people who love and respect and care for other people of all skin tones, of all gender and sexual identities, of all religions, of all abilities. Who love and respect the existence and integrity and dignity of all people not by "accepting", or "tolerating", or "ignoring". But who helps and respects all people innately, with the feelings of relatives for each other.
And for the record, white people, men, Christians, rich people, straight people, empowered groups etc... you have not been doing this equally. For trump-supporters, you may be resistant to hearing this. But I need you to listen. I need you to look beyond your own exclusive experiences. The world, this country, is more vast than what you alone have experienced. Many people of oppressed or marginalized groups have continued to be exceedingly kind to you even as you continue to hurt, oppress, take advantage of, insult, ignore, or trivialize their lives and experiences. To be kind means listening when black communities and Native communities say that they are being discriminated against. This means, when a police officer shoots an unarmed black man, that you don't immediately assume he deserved it. Listening. This means standing up and demanding that everyone have equal rights and safety, and not blindly following your own narrative. When a person is raped, you don't immediately assume it was their fault or that they are lying. These are all basic kindnesses that so many in positions of privilege (yes, especially white people, and men, and white men) have pervasively neglected.
I can only speak as a woman, but, my own experience is that it is exceedingly hard to maintain kindness towards men, for example, who continue to dismiss the pain I feel when I am called lesser or when control of my own body is debated. Men who do this or hold such a position, and yet treat me nicely. I do not feel quickly compelled to reciprocate with kindness, nor, perhaps, should I. Despite that, the vast majority of women including myself continue to treat other men with exceptional kindness even as a startling number of men continue to react with violence towards the simple declination of a date. No, it's not all men. But yes, it's a lot of men. Likewise, many people of color continue to be kind towards white people, despite hundreds of years of ongoing history wherein white people have enslaved, raped, or murdered people just like them, for the color of their skin or origin. Muslim communities continue to be loving towards their fellow Americans, despite being constantly scapegoated and threatened. So many LGBTQ+ individuals practice incredible forgiveness towards people close to them, who would call their lives a sin. That all takes exceptional grace and kindness on behalf of those who are being oppressed or endangered. And it is not obligated. I know I, personally, understand if someone has been hurt so continually and so deeply that to be kind to those who hurt them, even after a full understanding of the one who hurt them, that they can no longer risk kindness.
Every so often, the wound is too deep. For a lot of people on the national level, the election cut especially deep, even if it was not necessarily surprising. It meant that a significant portion of the country (especially white men and women) was willing to overlook another very significant portion of the country's very literal fear for their lives. To me, it was fellow Americans literally stamping their purposeful or passive approval on sexism, racism, xenophobia, classism, etc. If you're a trump-supporter, maybe you think that's not why you voted as you did. But the thing is, it is impossible to disentangle those repeated negative words and actions and intentions expressed by your party from your desire for jobs. It is not that simple. It is a package deal.
So, tell me to be nice? That is not how this works.
You damn well better expect resistance. You sure as hell do not have any place telling others to be nice. Or trying to convince us that we need to correct our peaceful behavior. Or dropping such an insidious threat. Niceness has no place here, ma'am. Not when you place the stakes this high. I am sick of niceness. I am sick of people like you, who would betray others who are unlike yourself, but would stop to help change someone's tire in a pinch. I am being kind to your sorry self, and that is all the more you damn well deserve if you endanger my life and the lives of others. You are not going to shame me into being nice. You are not going to make me believe, even for one moment, that I should be ashamed for speaking up against hate. And it is disturbing that you think the practice of respectful free speech, the full embrace of love, and the rejection of hate, is not being damn well nice enough already. It is disturbing that you think you can start this, and ask that I go quietly. No ma'am, resistance means resistance, and that is what you get when you align yourself, passionately or passively, with hate. That was always quite clear.
Still, myself and many others strive continually to embrace kindness. Kindness, in that we commit ourselves to continually learning, to empathy, to listening, to love. And as such, we are concerned. We are outraged. At this moment, it is you who has failed to do likewise. I may not be perfect, but goddamn if I won't fight for human rights instead of ever trading in the lives of my fellow citizens for jobs (much less jobs promised by a millionaire).
So, I know why she said it. And I know why it insults me. Be nice! Or else, I suppose!
But here's my guiding principle, especially in times like these: Don't be nice. Be kind.
Be open-hearted. Be outspoken. Be informed. Be respectful. Be rational. Be dedicated. Be brave. Be compassionate. Be enduring.
But don't be nice.
_________
Footnote:
* In a somewhat similar though not identical way, women and many individuals of other oppressed or marginalized groups (people of color, in particular) are often strongly pressured to swallow discomfort, hurt, frustration, or anger because they will be labeled a problem or shamed otherwise. Not out of choice or something as trivial as "Minnesota Nice", but out of a very real sense of self-protection. In those cases, being "nice" is sometimes necessary for safety.
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