"There are many white people who mean right and in their hearts wanna do right. If 10,000 snakes were coming down that aisle now, and I had a door that I could shut, and in that 10,000, 1,000 meant right, 1,000 rattlesnakes didn’t want to bite me, I knew they were good... Should I let all these rattlesnakes come down, hoping that that thousand get together and form a shield? Or should I just close the door and stay safe?"
 
Some of you have heard this quote before, from an interview of Muhammad Ali in 1971, and many have shared it already in past months or years or even at the time. I urge you to watch him speak the full quote himself. It is all the more true, relevant, and painful once again today. A cautionary tale. A painful one. Please, no matter who you supported, read this and try to understand. So that we can work forward.
 
There were 10,000 snakes coming down that aisle.
 
And many were professedly, blatantly, and proudly willing to bite. The rest? They formed no shield.
 
White people, privileged people, safe people, let those rattlesnakes descend upon our fellow Americans. We were those rattlesnakes. We have shown our natures – confirmed the question, time and time again, when it comes down to it. Even those who "mean right and in their hearts wanna do right." Some, in the form of direct votes for the man just elected, and some, in not voting. Or others, in a lack of care, lack of empathy, lack of sight, lack of seriousness, lack of responsibility, lack of dedication, lack of listening. . . We did not do all that we could to stop an unsafe and hateful situation, and instead tolerated it. It disgusts me that I have to explain this, that white people still do not get it, did not and do not take things seriously. In all of this, I also want to avoid stroking the egos of white people by inflating their sense of importance. There are too many out there already with White Savior mentalities. That is not what I want. That's not what anyone wants. I highly doubt that is what Muhammad Ali's quote is suggesting by a shield -- his quote is saying that there have been violent, hateful, and racist people who identify as white. Despite those white people who are honestly "good", the fact remains that there is a danger to people of color. And that, unfortunately, white people historically and presently cannot be relied upon to do what is required of them: confront the racism in themselves, and stand up against the racism in other white people. Especially if it causes them inconvenience or discomfort. So, it seems the safer, more logical choice to avoid white people altogether. That it is certainly, based on this, in one's best interest to be wary. (And Muhammad Ali goes on to explain that he cannot so quickly forget the 400 years of lynching, killing, rape, and injustices and ignore all of that when he sees a white person)

After this election and its rhetoric, after so much of the history of this country in particular.... it is very hard to disagree. Especially when the odds of a bite are, perhaps, far more likely than one in ten. It would seem so, when I look at a map of the vote of this country.

So, I try to avoid speaking about politics except in very trusted situations because it rarely ends up being productive and, as a woman, I've had mostly belittling and discouraging experiences in the past when it comes to speaking up. But I’m angry. Please excuse my abnormally blunt language.

Here are some things I need to get off my chest. After watching the final presidential debate, there should be literally zero doubt in your mind about who you should be voting for this election. Zero. Throughout the three debates, I have swung from appalled and terrified (whenever Trump speaks) to encouraged and affirmed (whenever Hillary speaks). And if you are thinking of voting for Gary Johnson or Jill Stein instead of Hillary Clinton, I have serious misgivings about your standards for a president and urge you to reflect on your life decisions (the word hypocrite comes to mind). If you are not planning to vote, please leave. Leave now. Because for some reason you think my life, my rights, and my dignity, along with the lives, rights, and dignities of so many others, are not valuable. There are many others who wish they had your right to vote. If you are voting for Trump, get the hell away from me.

While in all of this, I support your freedoms, I have some things to say:

This past weekend, I had the very exciting opportunity to participate in an art festival for the first time, the Corvallis Fall Festival! When I moved to Corvallis to begin graduate school at OSU two year's past, and attended the Corvallis Fall Festival, I began to hope that I could participate in a future year. An art festival is something that has hovered in my aspirations for years, though I never imagined it could come to fruition. It was always a lofty goal that seemed out of reach. Growing up in Minneapolis, ever since I was very young I would attend the Uptown Art Fair each year and marvel at the amazing artwork. So it seemed impossible that my art could ever compare! Or that I would ever be accepted, having never done a show before.

I have such huge gratitude to the Corvallis Fall Festival, and especially to its directors, for allowing me this opportunity! They helped me so much. It was truly a life-long goal of mine, and they were so supportive of me. As a young and aspiring artist, it is such a huge step to have had this experience and so I will always remain grateful. Thank you so much!!

I also have huge gratitude to my aunt Diane, who flew all the way from Minnesota out to Oregon to be my helper. She was really amazing support to me. She is by far one of my biggest fans, and has given me endless love and support over the years. I'd also like to thank my Master's advisor, who has always been so enthusiastic and supportive of my art. As well as all the friends who stopped by!

As this was my very first experience doing an art festival, I was quite nervous! Especially about setting up a booth! It takes a lot of work! And many weeks of preparation and fervid painting. Trying to figure out the panels, getting enough art produced, displaying it properly, setting up the tent... it all seemed so intimidating! But fortunately, it all came together. I was so pleased.

I had really hoped that I might sell a few paintings. Unfortunately, it was not to be, though I did sell some postcard packets highlighting my paintings. However, it was so amazing to hear the kind words and compliments that folks gave. It was quite surreal that I was in the place of those artists I've spent my life admiring!! That my work seemed to stand up! My favorite moments were when people would drift by, look up, and say "wow" or "look at that!" "beautiful!". I remember one woman stopping and exclaiming wow! Many people drifted by, or looked in. Not as many people came up to look closely at my paintings as I might have wished -- but a few did. And that is always one of the biggest compliments one can give me. Most of my life and childhood, I would go up to look closely at art, wondering how it was painting, inspired by it, enjoying the painting. A couple of kids and young people did this with my art! That made me very happy.

Another favorite moment was in the morning, just before the second day of the festival was about to start. An amazing watercolor artist, whose work I have admired both years I've visited the Fall Festival, came up to my booth and chatted with me, and complimented my work! He complimented my style, told me that it is very unique, and complimented the paintings. Wow! Wow! I was so thrilled!! It was so kind of him.

Although preparing for the Fall Festival and the festival weekend itself took a LOT of work and energy, I learned a lot. I learned how to perhaps better set up my booth in the future if I do other events, and got some lovely feedback from festival-goers and artists, as well as many kind friends who came to see my booth. I want to thank the Corvallis Fall Festival, and particularly its directors (especially its executive director and assistant director, who are both such fantastic people!!!). Thank you for taking a chance on me! I hope I get to do another art festival, or another art show, in the future!

I feel very fortunate to be featured in an article inthe September issue of the Forestry Source, a monthly newspaper through the Society of American Foresters (SAF). The piece is titled "Profile of a Scientist as an Artist," and I got the chance to talk about how I combine science and art. It was such a wonderful experience, and I am so thankful to SAF and to the Forestry Source. Please give it a read! You can view the online version here. Thank you so much!

Here's a peek of the front page, featuring one of my paintings!

I got to do a little interview for my department's webpage as a featured story. How exciting! If you don't know, I am a graduate student in the College of Forestry at Oregon State University, in the department of Forest Ecosystems and Society. Very happy for the chance to talk a little bit about science and art. Please go check it out, here! Thank you!

A poster I am pleased with, for the Diverse Perspectives in Forestry Group (DPFG) here in the OSU College of Forestry. I am very proud of the DPFG, a group I am grateful to be a co-founder of with my fantastic fellow master's student. I was asked to help put together a poster to use for events, and it was a good opportunity to use this little piece of art.

A couple more little sketches from my Flora of the Pacific Northwest class. The best way to learn something in detail is to tediously replicate it. Gotta love botanizing! : )

In my most recent posts, I have spoken mostly in a candid tone of frustration, hurt, sadness, and disappointment. As I said in my previous post, please: forgive me my gloom. Those are some of the most primary feelings on my mind at present. I hope that changes. I am working hard to change it. It is not what I like to be known for. But it will take time, and my own pace. I feel that, in the past, I have been able to move through things in a way that I cannot do right now. This is partly because things have built up for me, my bitterness and frustration and jealously even. And anger.

Now, because of that, I wanted to take a few moments to share some thoughts on these feelings, and explore them.

Some updates (May, 2016): Fear not, I am improving and my pluck is slowly returning. But, because I believe expressions of frustration have great value, I will leave the original post intact to reflect upon. . .

I have long considered a PhD. In fact, as I was searching for a graduate program prior to my Master's (a process that in and of itself was difficult), you may be aware that I considered the possibility of going directly into my PhD instead of doing a Master's. Ultimately, due to the combination of the funding situation and much thought and uncertainty, benefits and disadvantages either way, I decided to start with my Master's. I wonder often if this was the right choice, as I realized shortly into my Master's that I did feel well-prepared and ready to have been working at a PhD level. Nonetheless, I mostly feel good about the option of choosing my Master's, and that it has been useful. At the very least it has shown me beyond any doubt that I feel and likely am very prepared for my PhD. Though I do think, wistfully sometimes, how I would be half way through my PhD at this point had I chosen that route from the start here at OSU...... This summer, I thought a number of times about the caliber of my research, for example. Well, hopefully it was of a high caliber. Who knows. I have my doubts, of course, but the fact that I had designed most aspects of it, taught myself most of the plant physiology techniques, and managed things alone is certainly encouraging. Contemplating this in and of itself made me realize that, yes, I had likely been ready for my PhD already. But, my Master's degree has allowed me to sharpen myself, and has also allowed me to take some useful (and some not-so-useful) courses, and to work on my skills. That is all valuable. So it is.

In any case, my point is that a PhD has been a goal of mine for a long time, always just on the horizon. Something I've been chasing. In December, my applications were very precious to me even if they were few. I very deeply regret not being able to apply to a broader range of programs -- a regret you will perhaps understand more pointedly as you read -- but had so little time that I really do find it miraculous that I got anything organized at all. Regardless, I chose carefully. I knew there was much risk in building up my aspirations so, for each time I have done so in the past I have inevitably faced painful, stinging road-blocks or rejections. Yet, I have been told by many of my high-level of qualification, the depth of my experiences, and my value as a student. (All very kind words, to be sure, for which I am very honored! Yet, these accolades rarely seem to bear fruit, regrettably, and I am also very hesitant to believe them at this point). So I knew it would be a gamble of how much disappointment I could handle, against the chance of achieving my aspirations. Regardless, I felt some level of value in myself and my worth and my skill. I have worked very hard, and tried to do my best in all that I can. Likewise, I felt some level of confidence that I could be accepted, and I applied to an ambitious program with this confidence. A confidence, which, I truly do not feel is inaccurate or misplaced in myself. Even if I prefer humbleness, I will not deny at this point that I think I am very highly-qualified in my field, and I am proud of the hard work and diligence that has contributed to this. (One would think that confidence is a good thing. In reality, I have found, it mostly just makes things feel more disappointing. Again and again.)

Well, as I have learned, I might have guarded myself a little better against such predictable disappointment.